an amazing young man

this is dan's blog today from his myspace:
i will forward any email to him:

rjhowen@sbcglobal.net
or our address:

1008 vienna dr, lodi, ca 95242

read and be challenged, i know i am

Insight into my life right now
Current mood: excited
Category: Life

God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.

Do you ever go to bed at night, but then your brain decides not to let you sleep because you're thinking too much, and you're thinking to yourself, 'I am so tired! I just want to sleep! Sleep, self, sleep! Can you try that?' I have experienced quite a few of those nights in my life, and last night was one of them. Except, I don't believe it was me thinking to myself, but rather God speaking to me. I like to pray before going to sleep and say goodnight to The Almighty as I drift off into unconsciousness. Last night, God felt it right to continue the conversation longer than I had anticipated. First, I will give a little background. It will all come together eventually, don't worry.

God is … awesome, amazing, and altogether beyond words.

Jesus told His disciples they would face trials. James says to count it joy when we face trials. I have a great life: I have a great family, I've grown up comfortably in the richest and freest country in the world, no one close to me has tragically died, etc… what trials do I face? That I can't play football anymore because of my size? Sometimes I would wonder if God was setting me up like Job, giving me this great life so He can give me some super-trial to test me. But that's ridiculous; God doesn't take pleasure in harming His children, nor does He want us to live in paranoia, waiting around every corner for some devastation to slam us to the ground. Still, the thoughts would cross my mind.

I have never really led anyone to the Lord (like, I have never been there at the moment someone gives their life to Jesus). Growing up, I felt like I was missing out on an important part of the Christian life, that I wasn't a 'good Christian', and that others who had taken part in the 'harvesting of souls' were more godly than I was. Eventually, I realized (as Paul further describes in 1 Corinthians 3:6-9) that God alone saves; we are just the instruments He uses. Some are specially designed to be better 'soul-winners', some aren't. However, God is the only reason a person is saved; it is only through His power.

I can't say exactly when, but sometime last semester, I started praying for God. I prayed for more of God. I wanted God to pour Himself out on the world. Untamed. Unbounded. Powerful. Awesome. Unrestrained. I just wanted God, God, and more of God. I prayed for Him to move in amazing ways, ways beyond comprehension. I told Him I had no regard for how it might affect me, as long as it was 100% Him. Yahweh. Adonai. The Great I AM. I tried writing a song with a chorus including the phrase 'Flood this place, God!' I was in chapel, thinking how cool it would be if all of a sudden, this gigantic wave of liquid God filled the room and swept all the students out of the gym, bursting the glass windows on all sides, flowing throughout campus, gaining in volume and velocity, continuing to the ends of the earth. That was essentially my prayer.

In the college group at my church down at Biola, Greg Stump, our group leader, had us all write down tough questions we had for God. One of mine was 'Why doesn't God work in miracles the way He used to?' In the Old Testament, God would rain down fire, lightning, and hail from the sky. He parted seas and rivers. The glory of the Lord would shine in the temple, blinding priests; it would hover above mountains, causing the people to fall on their face. Later, Jesus performed miracles, more miracles than can be documented in the Bible. Today, miracles seem so far and few between, and many could be viewed by skeptics as coincidence or urban legend. And that's what frustrates me: those who don't believe in God, believing only in the natural things they see. The scripture that gave me an answer to my question is in Luke 16:30-31, where a rich man pleads Abraham to send someone from the dead to warn his family. Abraham simply tells him that if they didn't listen to Moses and the Prophets, they wouldn't even listen to someone risen from the dead.

God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

So now we get to last night, where it all comes together. As you may guess, I've finally got my 'trial'. God is faithful, though, and His peace has sheltered me beyond what I realize. I'm not altogether sure how God will use this trial, but I trust Him, and it'll all turn out good. However, I do know how God has already started to use my situation. A close friend of Ashley's had been going through some tough times, and doing some major thinking about life. Apparently (I don't know the exact story), when he heard about my cancer, he knew that he needed to get right with God. He gave his life to Christ. I was thrilled when I received the phone call; because of my cancer, someone's eternal soul has found itself in Jesus' arms.
Zap back to 1 Corinthians 3:6-9, knowing that God is the one who saves people, not anything we do. That means that God is moving. God is working. God is answering my prayer. I've only been in this trial for a little over a week; already God has saved a soul. Who knows the extent of what He's going to do through me? I did pray for a flood. When you turn a faucet on a hose, it is twisted and uprooted. But without that twisting and uprooting, the water doesn't flow. God is the water, I am the faucet, the cancer is the hose, and there is a dry field in need of irrigation. How exciting that God chooses to use me for His purposes! God is moving through this, and that is exciting. So exciting, I couldn't get to sleep.
God has a sense of humor, and I have often taken great pleasure in it in healthier circumstances. Now, I'm not going to tell you God revealed to me last night that I will be healed miraculously from cancer. I think that would be exciting, painless, and wonderful. But God is the great Conductor of the orchestra, not me. He creates the master plan, not I. But I do think it is ironic that I was the one to ask about miracles in college group. What could a skeptic say to me if I were a definite, unquestionable miracle from God? Coincidence? I have seen the cancer on my liver myself. Were it to not be there one day, before any treatment or anything, what could explain it? I realize others have had this happen, and for that I praise God, but I don't really know any of them; it's hearsay for me, and skeptics aren't fond of hearsay. With my own body being the miracle, I believe I could have a stronger voice for the testimony of the power of God. Again, Luke 16:30-31 reminds us that some won't even be persuaded with miracles, but like I said, God has a sense of humor.

When one goes through cancer, it's pretty obvious that it's a significant point in that's person's life. Hey, even these very years of my life (20 years old, halfway through college) are significant. But with all these things coming together right now, and especially in light of God starting to move in the ways He has, and the ways He will continue to move, this is an extremely significant time in my life! No wonder I couldn't sleep! Right now, I can do few things. I can only wait for God to move more, to pour Himself out more, to watch it all happen in awe. I can only seek Him more, lean on Him more, study Him more, grow closer to Him.

I want God, God, and more of God. And He is here. And moving. And it's exciting. So exciting that I can't sleep.

Dan