Tuesday afternoon

We are home from Stanford and the appt. went well. Dan is still having spasms but he seems to be better today than yesterday. I am updating my email lists. Let me know if you want to be added or deleted at: rjhowen@sbcglobal.net
I am also attaching Ashley's myspace blog which made me cry and touched my heart deeply. i think the dr. we saw today for the first time is going to serve Dan well. He has ordered additional tests and stains on his tissue. His potassium continues to be normal and his liver functions are normal as well. We head back to Stanford Thursday night for an early appointment Friday and chemo #2. Thank you again and again for your love and prayers.
Here is Ashley's blog:

Little Reminders
Current mood: hopeful

Sometimes, as of late, I find myself wishing I could rewind time and be back a few months. Go to a friend's wedding again, enjoy the end of the semester again, go to Yosemite again, have Dan be healthy again. As impossible as that is, my mind still wanders there.

By now, I should have been somewhere in Israel with my family. Yet, I just couldn't imagine smiling for a camera by ancient ruins while Dan was battling cancer and chemo here at home. Honestly, I'm not a bit disappointed about not going. Though, there are times when I desperately wish things could be different.

Take this week for example. I went home for a few days to spend time with my family and sleep in my own bed. My parents spoiled me while I was home, like they were trying to catch up for not being around me as much. It was great to be home, and everything seemed fine on the Howen front. Sometimes, it even felt like things were normal. Then Wednesday rolled around and it was time to go back to Lodi. By Thursday evening, Dan was back in the hospital. His potassium was dangerously low, and he needed IV K to bring the levels back up. What was supposed to be an overnight thing turned into 3 days at Lodi Memorial. These 3 days ended up testing me far more than I could imagine. Don't get me wrong, I have it easy: I sleep in another hospital bed and keep Dan company; whereas Dan is getting poked and tested every couple hours. Additionally, his already sore back got much worse while in the hospital. At one point, he couldn't even roll over or get up. I dealt just fine with the severe lack of sleep, but what got to me was my lack of control and fear.

Due to high cortisol, frustration, exhaustion and some pain killers, Dan's mood isn't always as sweet and kindly as normal. Even though I knew all of this logically, it was still hard to hold back my own emotions as the man I love acted like someone else. Eventually, some arguments between he and I (and maybe some other family members and I) pushed me to the breaking point. Why wasn't Dan trying to move more? Why was he content with just laying there? Why were the meds not helping? Why was he not being allowed to make decisions as the adult he is? Why is it always talked about as "our fight" when Dan is the one with cancer? Etc...
After lots of tears (anger, fear, sadness, yada yada) and some much needed communication, a peace and calm settled in my heart. God reminded me quite boldly that I am NOT in control and that fear will only make things more difficult. By the next morning, things were completely different. Dan's spirits were high, even cheerful. Arguments were non-existent. Dan got up and started walking around. His potassium levels came to normal. He got to go home! All of these small victories added up to a major reminder of how good God is.

Since we've all been home, things are going a bit better...

Dan is still really frustrated about his back for he has many spasms and can't move as well as he's like. Yet, in moments where he feels weak, I get to talk to him until he feels confident enough to stand up or walk around. He has shown me more courage and humility than I have ever seen. Even as he trembles, he still smiles that smile that makes everything seem okay again. He's not afraid to ask for help and is teaching me that leaning on others is a necessity in life.
His potassium is still a tad lower than the docs would like, so Dan gets to drink this awful fluid that his mama mixes with some awful carrot juice ("so much potassium in this!"). He never complains about drinking it.
Starting yesterday, Dan's hair started falling out very slowly. As a pre-emptive strike, he had me shave it all off tonight (Even the sideburns!). He just rubbed his head and smiled again.
Perhaps the most astounding thing to me, is how Dan is handling the situation. Though it would be pleasant, he is not always is good spirits. He has bad moods and sometimes, gets an attitude. But come on, who doesn't have bad days? He's battling cancer and a back that fails to cooperate...he's allowed bad days. Yet, he doesn't have many. Instead, he pushes through without whining. In fact, rather than embrace the coddling, he seeks after God and asks Him to show Dan where he is weak. I don't know about you, but I can't remember the last time I honestly asked God what I needed to work on. He may not always be cheery and bouncy, but Dan is steadfast is learning to become more like Christ through these trials of his. I cannot be more proud of him, and I cannot be more humbled.

I suppose God has reminded me of something else this week: Dan Howen is among the greatest of gifts God has given me. He is my best friend and my love, and I am honored that he lets me help him through all this. I never cease to be amazed by this man of God.

Though this was a rather long-winded update (who am I kidding? I always talk a lot), I would encourage you to stop for a moment and talk to God. What are your weaknesses? When you discover your weak points and hand them to the Lord, you will be amazed to find that these are the exact places that God steps in to be your strength.
Continue to pray for Dan; for his healing, for his spirits, for his growth. Pray for his family that they would trust the doctors and seek after peace. Pray for me that I would continue to cling to God throughout everything.

God is good. All the time.